


Dreamscape

by amitiel



Category: Given (Anime)
Genre: Acceptance, Death, Grief, Grieving, Guilt, Loss, Love, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-01-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:07:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22272322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amitiel/pseuds/amitiel
Summary: Mafuyu is plagued with dreams of YuukiTW: Grief, Loss, and Death
Relationships: Satou Mafuyu & Uenoyama Ritsuka, Satou Mafuyu/Uenoyama Ritsuka, Satou Mafuyu/Yoshida Yuuki
Comments: 3
Kudos: 69





	Dreamscape

**Author's Note:**

  * For [InsomnianRedMuse](https://archiveofourown.org/users/InsomnianRedMuse/gifts).



Mafuyu had been dreaming a lot lately. He didn’t tell Uenoyama about it because he didn’t want him to worry. There was a lot he didn’t want him to worry about, but this was the big one. He knew when Uenoyama got mad it was because he was jealous. Jealous of a past relationship with a tragic ending that only made Mafuyu feel guilty. He had been the cause of Yuuki’s death. If he hadn’t fought with him, if he hadn’t said those awful words, then Yuuki wouldn’t be gone. 

As soon as Mafuyu would think about that, he would then think about how if Yuuki wasn’t gone then he likely would never have met Uenoyama, let alone fallen in love with him. Then he would only feel guiltier because it meant that a trade off had been made. In order for him to have been with Uenoyama, Yuuki had to die. He knew that wasn’t really how it was, that he wasn’t grateful for Yuuki’s death, but he still felt guilty for it nevertheless.

Then he thought about how if Yuuki were here still he might be a different person. Happier, maybe. It wasn’t that he didn’t find happiness or joy with Uenoyama, but there was a moroseness to him that only came with grief and loss. It was the type of underlying pain and sadness that was in the background of every interaction, whether or not he was laughing or smiling through it. That’s how loss was. The grief consumed everything, making things seem wrong somehow now that Yuuki was gone.

Uenoyama had somehow found a way to permeate through that. Whenever Mafuyu thought he was drowning, Uenoyama could pull him above the surface. Just a smile, a glance, the way that his hand felt when they touched. All of it in all its simplicity was enough to make him feel like he would find a way to experience joy without so much pain anymore. And it just made him feel worse when he was alone because it meant moving on from Yuuki. Finding his way back to life meant letting go of the love that he had, or at the very least letting that love change to something less painful.

That’s when the dreams started, when he realized that Uenoyama had found a way to heal him without really trying at all. Mafuyu always dreamt about Yuuki, usually memories that had been altered by his dream state, sometimes ending well. Most of them ended badly, a horrific nightmare that ended with the memory of finding Yuuki alone in his room. When he woke in a cold sweat the first night, he was inconsolable. Now it was just expected, a horrific pain that would seep into his subconscious and take hold.

These dreams, though, were different. They were of different places, places he had been with Yuuki but not exactly memories. He had dreamt of going to the bookstore, the coffee shop, the beach. Frequently he dreamt of being at school. Always in the dream he was looking at him. He always woke up before he could find him. These were so much worse than the dreams that he had before. These felt like he was losing his grip on Yuuki, like the closer he got to Uenoyama, the worse it became.

Now Mafuyu was worried for an entirely new reason. He was spending the night with Uenoyama since his mother was out of town on a business trip. They were both excited to be alone together, especially since it had been a while since they first had sex, and neither of them wanted to waste the opportunity. As such, they spent the better half of the evening playing the guitar and writing music together. It was precious time with Uenoyama, and Mafuyu secretly enjoyed just how panicked his boyfriend looked whenever he thought about something sexual between them.

They spent the latter half of the evening entangled in each other’s arms, lost in the throes of pleasure, blind to the world around them. Now that Uenoyama had fallen asleep late into the night, Mafuyu could only feel apprehensive as he stared at his boyfriend’s face. He was so beautiful, so loving and kind, but would he still love him if he knew that Mafuyu was still dreaming of Yuuki nightly? Would he still have his arm around him like he did now, gently snoring as his own dreams took him to some far off place that was likely sweeter than any dream Mafuyu had in a long time?

When Mafuyu could no longer fight the urge to go to sleep, his eyes closed, taking him to a far off dreamland where he knew only horror awaited him.

*** 

Mafuyu was standing on the beach, looking out at the ocean as the cold winter air blew his hair into disarray. He had been looking for Yuuki, hadn’t he? Why couldn’t he find him? They had agreed to meet here, so he should be here already. It should have been easy to find him. Tears gathered in the corners of his eyes as he thought about how Yuuki was lost, how he couldn’t find him anywhere, how he could never find him and hold him again.

“There you are,” Yuuki said, suddenly behind him. He threw his arms over Mafuyu and pulled him close, his chin resting on Mafuyu’s shoulder while they both looked out at the water. “It’s too cold to be here.”

“Yuuki?” Mafuyu asked, turning his head to see Yuuki smiling at him. It was the big, beautiful grin he always had, like he had gotten into something but had somehow gotten away with it. “Where were you?”

“I’ve always been right here,” Yuuki said as he tapped Mafuyu’s chest right where his heart was. There was a long silence as they both looked out on the water, Mafuyu’s heart aching painfully. “Do you love him?”

Him. Who was he referring to? That’s when Mafuyu remembered. Uenoyama. Of course he loved Uenoyama. But that also meant betraying Yuuki and his memory. How could he just let that go in favor of someone new?

“I do,” Mafuyu replied honestly, the guilt nearly overwhelming him. If he let it, he knew he would drown in it. He felt like he was going to drown in it. “I love him so much, Yuuki.”

“And he makes you happy?” Yuuki asked simply, a smile still dancing on his lips. It was like they were talking about what they were going to have for dinner, not Mafuyu moving onto someone new. How could Yuuki be so okay with this?

“He does,” Mafuyu replied tearfully. “He’s the only thing that has made me happy since… Since you died.”

“I’m sorry about that,” Yuuki said. Mafuyu turned and faced him, only to be greeted with a kiss on the forehead and Yuuki’s hands, so soft and warm, wiping his tears away. “Make sure you love him lots, then, okay? No more sadness and grief because he’s not me. You deserve it, and he deserves it. I love you enough to want to see you happy again.”

Mafuyu nodded, his tears choking out anything that he could have said. Instead he clutched Yuuki, his lifeline no longer, and cried into his jacket. He was sad and grieving that he was leaving Yuuki behind. He was happy and longing now that he had Uenoyama. And he was overwhelmed by Yuuki giving him the permission he needed to be with Uenoyama without any guilt.

“Go back to him now,” Yuuki recommended. “Think of me from time to time and forget all the bad shit. And when you’re feeling down, just know I’m happy that you’re with Uenoyama, that you’re exactly where you need to be. Let him love you, Mafuyu. It’ll be okay.”

“I love you Yuuki,” Mafuyu sobbed as Yuuki pulled away with another one of his smiles. “Don’t go.”

“I have to,” Yuuki replied. He started walking away, still facing Mafuyu, still smiling. “I love you, Mafuyu. So does Uenoyama. Go be happy with him. It’s time.”

Mafuyu reached out to Yuuki, trying to grab him before he walked away for good, but he wasn’t fast enough.

*** 

Mafuyu opened his eyes, his heart racing as the dream echoed in his memory and his heart. He felt a painful tugging, his eyes swelling with tears, and he knew he was on the verge of a breakdown. Uenoyama was still asleep, his arm still around him, as the tears overflowed. Yuuki had given them his blessing. It was too much, too beautiful and too painful for him to reconcile. He let out a sniffle involuntarily while he cried, his heart aching so painfully he thought it would burst.

Uenoyama pulled Mafuyu close to him, his eyes still closed, his grip tight and unyielding. He was so warm, so pleasant to the touch, but Mafuyu was so sad right now. His heart was aching so much that he didn’t think he could recover from this pain. Yuuki’s smile echoed in his mind, and his tears kept flowing as his grief overwhelmed him.

“It’s okay,” Uenoyama murmured, half asleep but awake enough to know why Mafuyu was crying. “I’m here.”

He was right. Uenoyama was there, soft and warm and so kind and loving. Mafuyu cradled himself against his chest and cried, receiving the intimate space that Uenoyama was gifting him to work through his pain and grief. He didn’t know how long he cried for, but Uenoyama held him wordlessly the entire time. When Mafuyu’s tears finally dried, he looked up at Uenoyama, expecting his eyes to be closed and for him to be lost to his dreams. Instead, his eyes were open, looking at Mafuyu with concern.

“I’ve got you,” Uenoyama only said before kissing Mafuyu on the forehead, right where Yuuki had done the same in the dream. “Let me share your pain.”

“I love you,” Mafuyu admitted, wrapping an arm around Uenoyama and holding him close. “I love you, Uenoyama-kun.”

Uenoyama hesitated, but a moment later he relaxed and held Mafuyu tightly. “I love you too.”

They held each other late into the night until both of them fell asleep. When Mafuyu awoke the next morning, he felt refreshed, almost like a weight had lifted off his burdened chest. It was all Uenoyama’s doing. Uenoyama was here to love him, to hold him. And he now had the permission he needed to heal and grow. He got the permission he needed to love Uenoyama without guilt or fear. 

Mafuyu curled into Uenoyama’s chest, only to be received warmly by his boyfriend’s arms curling around him and holding him close. He shut his eyes and felt his heart fill with a feeling he hadn’t experienced in a long time. Contentment.

_Thank you Yuuki._ Mafuyu felt Yuuki’s smile in his heart as he snuggled up against Uenoyama, his heart full to burst.

**Author's Note:**

> As some of my readers know, I recently experienced a major loss in my life, and I am currently going through so many stages of grief right now. 
> 
> This one shot is the result of part of that process, and I just basically word vomited it out during my lunch break today to process some of it.
> 
> Also, it's InsomnianRedMuse's birthday tomorrow and I wanted to surprise her with a oneshot (sorry it's not happier, but you know me in general haha).


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